Constants

This post is going to be a jumble of my thoughts recently. I’m going to open and honest…

When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I was going to grow up, get married, become a wife and a teacher.  I wanted to travel, I wanted to see the world and I wanted to make a change in people’s lives. I’ve never particularly had too much confidence in myself, but I had faith that I would amount to some good and maybe even amazing things in my life.

Things have changed since then.

I went to school to become a teacher, but realized that it was not at all what I wanted to do (at least not teaching actual school age children). I’ve traveled some, but not a lot. I’d love to travel more. I’d love to experience things, see different ways of life, experience people. But so far have not had the chance to do so.

I took some time to try to figure out what I wanted to do next. I decided I wanted to become a nurse. I could still make a change in somebody’s life that way, right?!

The road to becoming a nurse has been very hard for me. I’ve struggled a lot, and it’s made me question myself, doubt myself. I want to be a nurse, but will I be able to finish school? Am I smart enough? Will my body, my headaches allow me to finish? These are questions I ask myself almost daily.

I have recently started looking into my headaches again, I’ve been going to doctors and trying to figure out why I have them, why they are changing, and what I can do to take away the pain. I’m doing this for my sweet Addi girl. I want her to have a mom who can do things with her. I want her to have a mom that can go places with her, play with her.. I want to accomplish things in my life. I want her to be proud of me, like I am so proud of my momma. But it’s hard getting answers.  It’s frustrating. It’s expensive.

We are still dealing with legal stuff and trying to move forward in this adoption process. It's frustrating. It's hard not knowing what is happening and feeling that nobody exactly knows what is happening.

We are having bills pop up that we were told would not be our responsibility.

I am still trying to adjust to being full time mommy…this change is hard, but it is one I LOVE.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m confused. I don’t know where I’m going from here. I don’t know what I’m going to do in my life. I don’t know what I’ll do well or what I’ll be able to do. There are times I’m scared of all the uncertainty.

And then I remember the constants in my life.

I have some amazing, incredible things in my life that are constant. They have always been there and they always will be.

I have my faith. My Savior. There are times that I’m not as strong in my Walk as I would like to be…but He is never going anywhere and always calling me back. However, I do not want to use that as an excuse to not seek more now. I need to always be working on my relationship with God.

I have my family. My family is amazing. My parents.  My brothers.  In-laws. Cousins. Every single person in any part of my family is so so SO great and I know will be there for me no matter what. They will be there if I fail or succeed.

I have my best friends. My husband and my baby girl. They really are my best friends [Don’t judge me for having a best friend who isn’t quite yet 3 months, get to know her…she’s amazing. :) ] My husband is my best friend, my supporter, the father of my baby, and so much more. He has supported me in so many things; even before we were dating and married. He lets me vent. He lets me cry. He loves me. My baby girl is the miracle that I honestly believed I would never have. I had given up hope of having a baby. And then 5 months ago, my world changed with one phone call. And then it changed again the first time I held her. I knew that my life would never be the same; I knew that she was mine forever. She needs me, she loves me, and she makes any day brighter with just a smile. She will be 3 months old in a week, and I cannot imagine my life without her.

I also have some pretty great friends.  Some live far and I hardly see them, but I know I can call or text and they will listen. They will be there.

My life can seem pretty crazy, uncertain and scary…I feel lost at times. But then I really look at my life and all I can see is how crazy, beautiful, and wonderful it is.  

I just need to take a second to breathe and remember the constants in my life. Everything is going to be all right.