It's been awhile since I have blogged. I have thought about writing many times. I've considered writing about my health,  Addison updates, the feeling of being a mom and how I want to be more than just that, and even thought about being completely open about depression...but each time the words just didn't come.

Tonight, I'm going to write about Addi and her birth mom. This is more for me just to get my feelings out than anything else :)

Its been almost 3 years since Addison was born. I had all these ideas and expectations about how things would be with her birth mom. I wanted Addi to know her, to see the good parts of her, to know the love that was involved, I wanted to have visits so her birth mom could see how my baby was growing and thriving. I wanted so much.

For the first 2 years, things seemed to be going well. We saw her birth mom a couple times a year, we shared pictures,  she asked for updates and gave presents. Things were going good.

She had a baby about 13 months after addi was born and I was really nervous about how that would change things...but it was still ok. I got to meet her brother, we got pictures of them together and we started talking about the relationship  (although Addison was still too young to understand). Honestly,  addi and her brother had a connection from the beginning and it gave me so much happiness and joy to see them together.

But somewhere over the past year, things changed. We haven't seen her birth mom in about a year.  We don't share pictures and her birth mom rarely asks how Addison is doing.  IT HURTS.

 It's hard seeing pictures of her and seeing how she has changed.  It's hard seeing her make choices that aren't good for her and choices that arent good for her relationship. It's hard knowing that things aren't going to be how I imagined. It's hard trying to figure out how the relationship will be from here on out. It's hard trying to figure out what all to tell Addison about her  birth mom. She will know who she is and that she was loved so much; but how do I know how open to be about her life. How do I show addi the good parts of her birth mom, while still being honest about the not so good parts?

When  we terminated parental rights, I was a little sad for her  birth mom and all that she was going to miss out on but still hopeful for the role she would play. But now, I feel like I'm grieving what could have been- the relationship we all wanted-the relationship that Addi deserves. And to be honest, it all scares me. I'm scared that Addi will seek out a relationship that will be out of my control, a relationship that I can't protect her from. I want her to know her birth mom, but I want Addison's safety more.

I am hurting for how Addisons relationship with her birth mom has and will change. But I am also hurting for how her birth moms life has changed, I'm hurting that she will miss out on this beautiful, smart, stubborn, sassy, amazing kid.

Through all the hurt, I still love her birth mom. I am trying to keep hope that things will get better.

ONE year!!

Every body told me that time starts to go faster when you have children. I didn't believe them. But this past year has proven me wrong...I can't believe it's already been a year. . I am sad that my baby is one, but so excited to watch her grow and learn even more this next year!
This past year has literally been a dream come true for me and I have learned so much; so I made a list of things I learned my first year as a parent.


Top 10 things I learned my first year as a parent (in no particular order):


1. Amount of love a person is capable of.
         I started loving and praying for Addison the moment I found out her birth mom was pregnant, even before I knew she was mine. Then I got the call asking if we wanted to be her forever parents and that love grew. The moment I saw her, it grew some more. And continued to grow when I held her...I was surprised at the love I felt for her then. But that love has continued to grow daily over the past year. It amazes me.
        My love for my husband has also grown. I have loved Luke for a long time, but seeing him be such an amazing daddy to our girl has made me love him more than ever. He makes her so happy. He makes me so happy.
       I have also loved Addison's birth mom for a long time, she has always been very special to me. But my relationship with her is different now. I love her more; she will always be the person who gave me Addison Grace. She helped make my dream come true.


2. You think you know how you will raise a kid, but you don't always do what you think.
         I have worked with kids in almost every job I have had and been babysitting longer than that. I had ideas of how I wanted to raise my kid. I thought I knew what to expect...but I was wrong. It is so different when it's your own child (especially when they are sick!). 
         I had certain things of how I thought I'd do things. For example, I didn't want my baby to have a pacifier- Addison is a complete addict. It's ridiculous. Another example, I thought my baby would be in their own room from the time they came home- Addison spent the first 2 months in our room.
     Things change, you change, when you become a parent. You can't always stick with the plans you made before a baby...and that's ok.


3. Parenting brings out a competitive side
      This might just be me, let me know if any other parents are like this!!
       It all comes down to this. I want my baby to be the smartest, most advanced, adorable baby there ever was. Simple as that. :)


4. Moms can be mean and judgmental.
     Moms think that everybody needs to do things their way. I see it a lot in breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding. I have actually been asked why I didn't take medicine to help my body produce breast milk. I do agree that breastfeeding is best. But it's not always possible, and that's ok. Moms can be mean...it is ok to do things different. It is ok to have different opinions. It's ok to feed your child in the night. It's ok for give them a pacifier...it's ok to parent your child YOUR way.
   Every time we take our kid(s) out in public, we have people watching us and possibly judging us. I think moms need to be more supportive of each other, being a mom is a hard job...a job that other moms understand. Lets be nice, instead of judging because they don't do things your way.


5. Everyone has an opinion of how you are raising your child. Take it all with a grain of salt. It does not mean you are doing a bad job.
     This one goes along with number 4. I am all for people advice and opinions. (Example, we are taking away Addison's bottle and pacifiers soon...if anybody has any tips or advice on the best way to do this--let me know!) But I don't need to be told when to feed my child, or how to feed her, or be told to not give her an old bottle. I know to put a jacket on her when it's cold. I like to think I have common sense.
    For a long time, I felt horrible and felt like I was doing a bad job as a parent. But I'm not. I'm not saying I'm the best mom ever or that I know everything (because I definitely don't) but I do know some things. I have some common sense. I'm doing alright as a mom.  I need to remember that.


6. Babies are full of personality-from the beginning.
    Addison has SO much personality. It amazes me how quickly this developed. I've also realized that babies and personality are both nature and nurture. I see so much of Addison's birth mom in her, but I'm also starting to see Luke and I in her.
    Addi Girl is stubborn, independent, funny, smart and incredibly happy. It's so great to see her personality develop as she gets older.


7. You can survive on very little sleep.
      Babies don't always sleep well. Life doesn't stop. It's not always possible to sleep when baby sleeps.  You still need to function and you can. :) 


8. A smile or laugh can make a bad day or sleepless night better in a second.
     This past year was rough. A lot of stress from surgery,  pain, recovery, legal stuff, switching jobs...life in general. But my girl can make me feel so much better by a smile, laugh, kiss, or hug.


9. Bodily fluids become much more important.
    When Addison was a couple months old, she went a  few days without pooping. I was freaking out and have never been so happy to see a poopy diaper. :) Spit up, poop, pee, vomit, etc....its all so much more important when it's coming out of your tiny human.


10. Trust your instincts.
      You know your baby better than anybody else. You know their cries, noises, faces...trust your instincts. You know when they aren't feeling well and need a doctor-take them to the doctor. Trust yourself :)


And a bonus 11. No matter how a child joins your family, they are yours from the beginning and will be forever.


There is so much more that I have learned and I know that I will continue to learn as the days and years go by. I'm excited for Addison Grace to grow. I'm excited for my family to continue this amazing journey together.

Just a jumble of thoughts

Addison's birth mom is pregnant. I know that I have talked about this a little bit before, so I'm sorry if I repeat myself in this blog. It's just been on my mind and I want to write about it :)

Before I start, I do want to say that I love her birth mom. I have known her for most of our lives and she has always been very special to me. My feelings about her pregnancy do not in any way change how I feel about her. :)

I see things on facebook about this pregnancy and it bothers me. It hurts knowing that eventually I'm going to have to explain to Addison that her birth mom gave her up because of how much she loved her and couldn't take care of her at that point in her life (which I ABSOLUTELY believe to be true) but then just a few months later, thought she was ready for a baby and planned a pregnancy. I think it will hurt Addison and I dread the day that I need to talk to her about it.

It's a boy this time. Which on one hand makes me happy, but it worries me on the other hand. Will it be easier for Addison that this is a boy or will she feel like she was given up for adoption because she was a girl??

It's so hard for me that this baby was planned for, the dad is known, and it is wanted by both parents. She is taking care of herself during this pregnancy...and she didn't with Addison-at least not until she picked us to be the parents. I'm not saying that I want her to have a bad pregnancy or not take care of herself or the baby. I am just saying I wish she would've done the same with Addison. I wish she would've cared more about Addison during her pregnancy. I know her birth mom loves her, I just sometimes feel that she didn't love her as much before birth and that makes me sad.

One of the hardest things for me is that I prayed for a baby. I wanted one more than anything. I cried when years went by and I couldn't get pregnant. I would take every single bad side effect of pregnancy just to experience it. And when her birth mom was pregnant with Addi, she hated it. She said she never wanted to get pregnant again. She didn't take care of herself or Addison. And now she's the opposite.

As much as Luke and I wanted, waited, and prayed for Addison...I sometimes wish her birth mom would have had some of those feelings during her pregnancy.   Maybe she did and I missed it all. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive, overthinking it, or being too protective of Addison.

 I have always wanted her birth mom to fall in love and have a family...even after Addison was born. I love being a mom and  I want the same for her, I really do. But I just didn't want it to happen this soon after Addi. I don't know the dad, I hope it works between them and I hope she's happy, I want her to be happy and to have a family. I just want the family part to come further in the future. Addison and her biological brother will be about 14 months apart; I feel it's too soon...especially since the circumstances are completely different. I never want Addison to feel that she wasn't good enough.

She is perfect. She is my miracle and I am so thankful for her every single day. I just want her to always know how amazing she is. I want her to know that she is somebody special. I want her to know that she was wanted from the time she was conceived. I worry that having a bio sibling this close in age (one that was planned for and wanted by both bio parents) will make it hard for her to understand how wanted and simply wonderful she is.

Is it wrong that this bothers me? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

I don't know.

All I know for certain is that family adoption is the most difficult yet rewarding thing I have ever experienced. New situations and challenges are always popping up, and it can be hard to balance it all.  But then I remember that Addison is loved by SO many people and she will know all of those people! She will know she is loved by Luke and I, our families, and her birth family. It's at those times, that I'm reminded that I need to put all my concerns and hurt feelings aside and just appreciate the fact that I was chosen and that Addison is loved.

More of my ramblings :)

First of all, I want to start this post by saying that I love Addison more than anything and would not have chosen to have her any other way than we did. I've never had a biological child, but I love Addi just as much as if she were my biological and wouldn't change a thing about our story...well, I'd change the lawyer, but the rest of our story is amazing and I love it. I'm excited to share it with Addison as she grows older. I'm excited to tell her how many people love her, how wanted and chosen she is!


Now, onto the reason for the blog.


 I have always wanted a baby, it's the only thing in my life that I have always known I want (along with a husband + family). When we got married, we decided not to prevent it. We wanted a family and knew we would be excited whenever God blessed us with a baby. I was excited; I knew it could take time but I always thought we'd have kids and never thought we'd have any problem. Time passed and we didn't get pregnant. I started to worry that something was wrong with me. Then I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome. I quickly learned that PCOS is the leading cause of infertility. Although it is possible to get pregnant with PCOS, it is harder and there is no guarantee.


I was heartbroken.


I am a woman. I love kids. I don't  know what I want to do with my life...but I know I want to have kids. I wanted to be a mom...and suddenly that possibility was slipping away from me. It was one of the hardest things I've been through. We kept trying, never preventing it, still praying it would happen. I got on some medications that were supposed to help my body work correctly. And still nothing. I felt broken.


You don't think about how something like this will feel, until it happens to you. And when it does happen to you...it seems that everybody you know ends up pregnant. It's hard. It's hard to be happy for people when you're aching to be pregnant, when you want a baby of your own to love, when you know that you could be a good mom and also know that you don't have that option. It's hard taking pregnancy tests (for medication reasons) and having it negative every time. I cried. a lot.
Eventually we got the call about Addison and 2 months later had our miracle baby. She is the best gift anybody has every given us. She is an answer to prayers and honestly, is the best baby ever :)


 BUT sometimes it is still hard for me to see other people pregnant. Most people don't bother me (please know that I am truly happy for every single one of my friends who is pregnant or just had a baby), but every once in awhile I see somebody and it does bother me. What brought all these feelings up again was Teen Mom 2 (one of my guilty pleasures). For those of you who watch, I'm talking about Janelle. For those of you who don't watch, she has a 4 year old that her mom has custody of,  the first episode of this season showed her getting an abortion and rumor has it that she is pregnant again. It's hard knowing that people like her have no problem getting pregnant and I can't.  It's hard seeing people who don't care that much. It's hard hearing about people getting abortions. It's hard seeing different foster kids with heartbreaking stories...and even harder when these parents are having multiple kids that get taken away. It's just hard.


I try to trust God. I try to believe He has reasons. But it's hard. I think Luke and I are good parents; I don't get why it's so hard for us and for so many others. I don't get why there are so many kids needing families. So many kids in homes that aren't good or safe. So many babies that are aborted. I just don't understand.


I am praying that I somehow get another baby in the future, but no matter what I love my kid and am beyond blessed that I have her. My heart breaks for the families that don't get their miracle.


This may seem like a random blog--and it is. It may not make sense, since I'm not currently aching for a baby. But I just wanted to write about how it was before...it's all part of my story.


And now a note from our sponsors (Addison):
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52VFJMKJKNBCVFDFBG 

Birth mom visit

Luke and I decided at very last minute to make a trip to Iowa to see my family since we weren't able to make it there for Thanksgiving or Christmas. We talked about it and decided that we wanted to see the birth mom for the first time since the hospital. I have talked to her a few times here and there, but it's only been on facebook. We have kept in contact with her therapist and knew that we were going to do the first visit at her office. After talking to her therapist, we had a meeting for Saturday set up.

I. WAS. NERVOUS!

 I know the birth mom and I love her, even before she gave me my gorgeous daughter...but even more now. I always look forward to seeing her. Luke and I had decided before Addison was born that we were going to be completely honest with Addi about the adoption. We were going to talk about it from the beginning, before she could even understand it. We planned on telling her about the belly she grew in and about the woman who took care of her for 9 months. We planned on telling her about how much she was loved and how hard the adoption decision was. We wanted her to know her birth mom, we didn't want her to question things later in life-where did she come from? who are her biological parents? who does she look like? We wanted to help her answer some of these questions when she was younger. We wanted her to know her history--her story.

We have followed through on our plan. Addison is only 8 months old, she obviously doesn't understand things yet. But I tell her about her birth mom and how much love she has for Addison. We have looked at pictures. When she does something stubborn or strong willed, I tell her "you get that from your birth mom" :)

Given our plan, I knew that the day of our first visit was coming. I knew that I would be in the same room as the lady who gave me Addison. The lady who was Addison's first home. I knew that I would watch her hold and love on her. But now that the day was here. I was so nervous. I spent way more time on her outfit than mine. I questioned Luke about how to do her hair. I wanted Addi to be herself, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted the birth mom to see how smart and beautiful she was. I wanted her to know 100% that she made the right decision when she chose Luke and I.

As we were walking in, the therapist (who I LOVE) told us that the birth mom was nervous that Addi wouldn't go to her. Hearing she was nervous somehow calmed me down a little; I realized how important this day was for HER. We walked in the room, and I could see the excitement on her face as she got up to hug me. We took Addi's coat off and handed her over...she went right to her and was so happy. Addi laughed, talked, smiled, drooled, tried to eat her necklace, and was her normal crazy self. She jumped up and down, tried to stand, smiled for pictures and even showed off her crawling skills. I was one proud momma!

As I sat in the chair across from the birth mom and Addison, I had so many emotions. I realized this wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I was in awe of this strong woman. It was so obvious that she loved Addison, I could tell by the way she hugged her, smiled, by the present she gave her and how proud she was that Addi loved it...but she still chose adoption. She was choosing to be happy about the fact that she could see Addison, instead of down about all the time she'd missed out on. She was genuinely happy about everything Addison was doing and how well she was doing. She is a stronger woman that I am.
I was also struck with an overwhelming wave of thankfulness. She chose me. She knew her baby needed a better life...and she chose me to be that better life. She had faith in me. Confidence in me. She was giving me her greatest gift. The emotions that all of this brings me in indescribable..I am so very thankful that we chose to see her birth mom. I'm so glad that we are choosing to have an open adoption. I don't know what the future will bring; I know there will be times that the birth mom stresses me out, there may be times we don't hear from her, or that we don't feel comfortable letting her see Addison. But I also know that she will always love Addison. She will always be a special person to me and my family...and I will always thank God for her and pray for her.

 I don't think anybody who has never been through adoption can understand how it feels. It's just amazing. Seriously, people. You should all adopt.  :)

Addison sleeping with her giraffe-a present from her birth mom. She loves it!! [Excuse Addison's hair, she's a mess. :)]

Old year, new year!

It's the new year which means looking back on 2013.  This past year has been crazy, stressful, hard, painful, wonderful, and probably the best year I've ever had. :)

This year in a quick review: The year started with me focused on school.. In March, we got a phone call that changed our lives and my focus changed to getting ready for a baby and making sure we had everything done so that we could legally bring Addison home with us from the hospital. In May, my focus changed again when Addi was born and I had another human being that I was responsible for. In June, I made the very difficult decision to leave school and try to get my headaches figured out and under control. In September we had termination court and I had back surgery. In November we had adoption day and it was the end of a very long and stressful journey. December was full of spending time with family, getting ready for holidays and just enjoying life.

 Surgery and recovery were (are) rough. My headaches still aren't figured out at all. Money has been tight with the adoption, doctor bills, and me not working for the last 4 months or so. Our lawyer made things a lot harder than they should have been. I was worried for the first 6 months of Addison's life that I would lose her. BUT this year I  was reminded how amazing God is and how He answers prayers even after you've given up hope. I was reminded how supportive and amazing my family (both my side and in-laws) is. I became closer to friends and reconnected with friends. I welcomed my beautiful, smart, crazy, loud, stubborn, wonderful daughter into my life. And I fell even more in love with my husband.
The good most definitely outweighs the bad!! It has been an amazing year.

Onto the New Year!!
Since I have become a mom, I have evaluated myself a lot. I look at myself, at my life, and think about how Addison will see me. I think of all the things I've learned from my parents and I know I want Addison to learn the same type of things from me.

Which leads me to my new years resolution:

-I want to be better. I want to be a better listener, a better wife, better mom, better daughter, better friend, a better person. A better Christian.
-I want to be more. I want to be more compassionate, more loving, more giving, more forgiving.
-I want Addison to learn from me. I want her to learn how to love others, no matter what they look like or what their lifestyle is. I want her to learn how to love God and trust Him, learn that He still answers prayers and to never stop praying and believing, learn to trust HIS plan over her own. I want her to learn how to laugh, have fun, and not be too serious. I want her to learn to love herself-- This may not seem like a new years resolution...but it is. All of the things I want her to learn from me are things that I need to continue to work on. 
-I also want this to be the year that I lose weight and get healthier. I want Addison to be healthy and it starts with me.

This year will be better than 2013. I can't wait to see and experience everything it has to offer!! I'm excited for the future. :)

Christmas musings

Addison was up for 3 hours in the night, which makes for lots of time to think about stuff. As I was cuddling her close and looking at the tree I started thinking about Christmas...the real reason of Christmas, not the gifts or Santa. I've always known, believed, and been thankful for Christmas and the reason of it. But this year I think I appreciate it even more. As I held Addi, it hit me...God sent His Son to earth. He knew what was going to happen. He knew Jesus would one day die for all of us. But He did it anyway; He did it because of how much He loves us. Honestly, I don't know if I could do it. I love my family and my friends, but I love my baby so much. I can't imagine giving her up and knowing that it would end in her death. I am so thankful for God's love and the sacrifice that was made for us. And I am so thankful for Easter and the fact that Jesus rose again :)

That's my random thought for the day. I am sure I will be posting soon about our actual Christmas day and pictures of Addison's first Christmas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!!